practising drawing

As many big things start from a small step, this week I have tried to provoke the creativeness in me! Dedicated to mum.

I finally took this step thanks to Julia Cameron's book about creativity: one of the recommended tasks to generate one's creativeness is to write "morning pages". This means writing  three slides of text every morning- what ever comes to your mind. Writing should push subconsious and creative thoughts out of the corners of our minds and get rid of the stress and worries the first thing in the morning so we could concentrate on the essential. This sounded a bit crazy first, but I tried it and in some point noticed that small changes started to happen: I wrote a small poem, changed morning routines and finally picked up a pen again and started to draw!

Vulnerability - over and over again

I have seen this video already a couple of times and always it reminds me of: you should have the courage to tell the world who you really are.

It's not that I don't do it. I am just afraid like many others that what I am or what I do would be rejected, not accepted or deprecated. But like Scott Dinsmore states in his blog, hiding what we truly are prohibits us to build close connections with other people. Without vulnerability it is all faking.

There is no big thing to hide, but small things can accumulate. I have been hiding by not always telling my real opinion. Denying my emotions or aspirations. Hiding my work or art. And also hiding this very blog from some very close people that I am afraid would just criticize it. That I would brake the perfect image they have of me. But this is sad! It is tiring to keep up a perfect image because it is built on what we think other people's expectations of us are, and not what we really feel or want.

For a long time, I haven't been sure of what I want. And this could be the reason for it. So far, I have somehow lost the my inner voice or more the courage to follow it. It is actually confusing: normally there has been someone supporting or encouraging me. For the moment there are more people criticizing me. This could have two implications: I am really forced to do what I think is the best, not what other people appreciate...or I have surrounded myself with negative people. My choice.

I read several articles and two books about decision making, thanks to recommendations of close friends. Some of them are very logical and rational, others tell you to trust more you intuition. But regarding my case, I should not take decisions based on fear and not seeking for a perfect solution. In more positive words: Trying things little by little and see if I like them. No big expectations.

Well this might sound very confusing, but my head is certainly more clear now.

No more excuses

I just read the book from Wayne Dyer called "Excuses begone". Its a book listing all the "excuses" that keep us making our dreams become true. And then, overturns them all. Scary isn't it!

We all have dreams that have come true and dreams that didn't come true. At least not yet. I have noticed that certain BUTs are often prohibiting me to take the necessary steps to realize something: I want to start painting and drawing again, BUT I am too old. I should have been practising since I was a teenager. I cannot become enough good at it anymore. OR I cannot go travelling to Asia, I don't have enough money. OR I cannot start that degree, I would be already 35 when I graduate!

The most common excuses according to the author are:
I cannot afford it
It is too difficult
My family/friends would be shocked
It will take too long time
I am too busy

And all these just simply aren't true. For example: how old would I be in 5 years if I didn't start that degree? That's right, exactly the same as if I did start it.

The most difficult one for me has always been: "I cannot afford it". But the book suggests, that when we follow our dreams with courage and believe with all our instincts that the money will appear- it will appear. Gratefulness about everything we have now is also important. If I am going to think about "I don't have money" constantly, probably I won't.

I decided to try this in practise. Before I went to Finland on holiday I was thinking: I cannot spend any extra money, I need to save as I don't have a job yet. But then I decided to change: these are my only holidays before the long working days in the near future, I want to enjoy. And I did. I went to festivals, restorants, travelled etc. Before I left back, my parents organized me a surprise birthday/graduation party, and surprisingly, the money came back.

In life you never know, but I think I should trust the life itself much more. Things will be fine. This doesn't mean I should not be taking responsibility, but making sure I do things that make me happy. Because if I don't I do get frustrated and so do the people around me.

Travel near, see far

Last couple of days have been mind shaking. Has something particular happened? No. Nothing happened. I have just spent some days at a summer cabin located deep in the forest by a beautiful lake and done nothing but listening the wind and the waves, sleeping, eating and laughing. And especially: no internet. Now feeling like I had been meditating non-stop for four days without any effort.

First day some random stress and worries were still circling on my mind. Then it all just disappeared. Maybe it was the nature. Maybe the the company: people with whom I could be 100 % myself.

It is mind shaking because I haven't felt this good for a long time. I am too often thinking what to do next, my past decisions or concentrating something else than now. Planning to travel somewhere far or greater or being somewhere else, doing something else. It could also be, that in the city there has been too much noise, too many vain signals and messages, too many choices and opportunities preventing me from seeing what is truly essential. I really needed a simple environment to listen to myself again.

The message is: it doesn't matter how many countries I visit, how much I earn or if I have the coolest job if I cannot enjoy it NOW. The only thing matters how I experience and perceive the things I am doing in this moment, what ever they are. There is now way to get where I would truly like to be, If I don't like the way I get there.

Maybe the greatest way to express gratefulness is just simply live in the moment for 100 % and somehow be aware of it. And other way around.

The power of time off

Great ideas for next seven years can be created during one year Sabbatical(see the link below)! I hope my soon-to-become-true three weeks holiday will make my subconsious mind work. And perhaps generate some new ideas at least for the end of this year. No pressure.